When he thinks about his childhood pet, a good-natured mutt named Rinee, Ken Mulligan gets a lump in his throat. "I got him when I was 5 years old - I loved that dog," says Mulligan, a 55-year-old resident of Salt Lake City who spent his childhood in New York City.
A small, brown terrier mix, Rinee was literally Ken’s best friend for about five years. Then his mother told him that "Rinee had to go live on the farm with his mom because his mom was sick." Although he does not remember any details about Rinee’s leaving, years later, Mulligan still has a gut-wrenching sorrow when he thinks about his dog. "I missed him terribly," he says. "Having my mom tell me that Rinee was going to a farm helped to soften the loss at the time. But in my heart, the pain remained alive and repressed."
Whether Rinee’s exit from a little boy’s life was due to illness and death or a parent’s euphemistic description of a dog’s passing, the impact is the same. For anyone, at any age, the sudden loss of a cherished dog can be unsettling and even traumatic. Years later, the sight of a puppy or the sound of a particular bark can trigger sudden upsurges of grief that can be difficult to comprehend.
Even when a dog is sick for a long time, and you recognize that she is going to die, the mourning process may well turn out to be more complicated and intense than you expected. With a terminal illness, you have time to prepare mentally for the difficult process of letting go. The term used for this preparation period is "anticipatory grieving," which helps to cushion the shock. But when a dog is killed in an accident or disappears without being found, the shock and heartache can be overwhelming.
Here are some guidelines for dealing with your grief:
1. Take a couple of days off. Do not expect to go right back to work or meet your social obligations right away. Expect to feel tired, emotionally drained, and sad for the first 48 hours after losing your dog.
2. Do not attempt to go it alone. The loss of a being who loves us unconditionally leaves a hole in our lives. But do not expect your family and friends to understand. Not everyone feels the same way that you do. Ask your veterinarian for referrals to pet bereavement support groups, discussion groups online, or professional counselors who specialize in pet bereavement.
3. Be patient with yourself. The times you and your dog spent together were precious and important. You can expect to feel the emptiness of not having her with you at those times of the day when you went for walks, fed her, or spent time playing in the evening. There is no magic bullet for taking the heartache away. … It just takes time.
4. There is no timetable for grief. Contrary to what well-wishers may want you to believe, there is no time when you "should be over it." The heart has its own timetable for healing. Write this on a post-it and stick it on your phone so that you can let people know that you are entitled to your feelings of loss.
5. When you are ready, spend time with friends who have dogs. As you heal, you may find yourself reaching out to friends who have dogs the two of you used to visit. Hang out with them and enjoy their company. You will know that the worst has passed when you start thinking about getting a new dog.
Dr. Laurie Nadel has a dual career in psychology and journalism. The author of the best-selling Sixth Sense: Unlocking Your Ultimate Mind Power (ASJA Press), she has been a featured guest on Oprah and dozens of TV and radio programs. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, The Associated Press, and Woman’s Day and she is a frequent contributor to many national magazines as well as The New York Times’ Long Island section. Visit her web site, www.unlockyoursixthsense.com.
